Light

After all the pain, after all the tears, after every failure I can possibly experience, there’s light. At the end of the tunnel.

I know I can feel myself running, sprinting, plummeting towards that light. The injuries because of the fall don’t matter, because that light is still there, glowing bright. And something inside me tells me that this light can heal all the pain. If not heal it, give me the strength to deal with it. This light may not be able to heal the scars in my mind and soul, but this light can give me the courage to accept myself.

I cannot get myself to say ‘my heart’, because I think I’ve lost it. Maybe I have. But my mind is still there, a constant reminder, a guide, whispering to me that mistakes have been made. My soul is still there, continually scalded by the weight of the guilt I carry.

I don’t grieve for another. I don’t grieve for a group. I grieve for me, for what has become of me, for the whimpering, unimportant entity that I have become. Yet, I am far from pitying myself. I berate, chastise and agonize over the mistakes of the past. Not to waste my present, but to remember that I did not reach my complete potential.

But skipping is not a solution. Escapism is not my way.

I shall live to see the end of the tunnel. I shall fight every storm, get through every quicksand. Or die trying. There is no one to disappoint but me, and nothing hurts more.

I know that I will have to leave my past behind to get where I wish to be. I am happy. The hurt is probably more than I want to carry for the rest of my life. But the past cannot be discarded selectively. If the memories of pain must fade, so must the memories of joy.

Deep down, I do know, that for the light, I’m willing to give up all.

The Alpha Male

From time immemorial, women have lived in a patriarchal society all over the world, and let’s admit it, in fear of men. Albeit the fact that there are some states that claim to be matriarchal, the fact is, by and large, our country, why, our world itself is run by the alpha male.

I was seeing an advertisement the other day on TV, that said, “Within each and every one of us, there is hidden an alpha. . .” (Deo for men, named Alpha), stressing on the ‘necessity’ for repulsively large and muscular bodies, and, of course, nudity.

Do we really want to be treated as equals only before Law? A State I know of considers the testimony of two women equivalent to that of one man. What kind of a ridiculous sexism is this? I want to listen to ONE single sensible argument, from an alpha male obviously, in support of this skewed and senseless rule. And if they come up with something like, “Men are more reliable”, I swear, my fists will have a hard time not showing their face what a punch feels like.

While preparing for my Common Law Admission Test and Symbiosis Entrance Test, I had to gobble up GK material. There were so many of these “First woman to—“ that it got me thinking. First woman to go to space, first woman to receive Sena Gallantry Award, blah blah. Call me a hardcore feminist, but I think this too, in some way, mocks the fairer sex. Why should all of this be remembered? I’m not some sort of a frustrated student sick of exams, mind you! Just because that person was female? Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I feel like all this reflects a certain, “Oh-you-know-what-this-was-tough-for-a-WOMAN” attitude.” The other side of the argument is that it celebrates the entry of women into something that was previously considered impossible for them. But bleh. Why previously, even?

Brings me to the root of this problem. Why at all is this problem prevalent?
You know, part of the fault lies with us too. Now, before the feminist police tears me into pieces, let me tell you why. Most of us have allowed the society to do this to us. We’ve allowed ourselves to be considered as a burden; we have, to some extent, allowed sexual objectivism, et al. Why should Prince Charming be strong and protective? Its a symbiotic thing, right? Isn’t it possible for both to be strong and mutually protective of each other?

In the Victorian era, women’s waists were supposed to be 19” or 20”, not more. My wrists circumference can’t be that, but moving on. Corsets were compulsory. Being ‘slim’ was called a womanly duty, but in truth, it was just another way of showing that they were constrained. Restricted. Body, blood flow, breath, and everything. And women agreed and submitted.

It stands true even today.

Don’t ask me why I accept chivalry. I carry my luggage, and pay my bills. Draw out my own chairs too. In support of those who expect chivalry: We’ll stop expecting chivalry when you stop expecting us to be damsel-in-distress for 3/4^th of our lives, and a delicate darling the other 1/4^th.

When at home my brother sits idly, lazing around and I’m working on something seriously, it is still me who has to bring the water, clean the table, etc etc. These are small things, you say. Yes, maybe they are. It is not that I mind doing all this. What I mind is my brother sitting idle. Of course, my brother goes out and gets stuff at mummy’s command and all that. . .

Apparently, male chauvinism is a banned topic at home. But let me go ahead and say it. We live like Lions and Lionesses. Not just my house, but most houses. The Lioness gives birth to children, the Lioness hunts, the Lion divides the food and eats. Yet, the Lion leads the Pride. I’m not being boorish and pompous as I say this, but the house wouldn’t run without my mother, whatever else it could run without.

I’m a lazy person by nature (now I wonder where I got that gene from :P). So is my brother. But for me, this is an entirely different problem. Monumental. What will happen to me at my ‘in-laws’ place? They’ll kick me out? Hell they will. -_- I’ll be a financially independent person, so they can kick me out, and I’ll sue them for abuse. Hell they will!

Will these be passed off as natural, shenanigans, or a certain attitude problem, only time will tell.

I’m sure that when my family reads this, they’ll have their answers, and hopefully not a dose of yelling (which is not out of the normal for me, rebel that  I am) ready: All this is ok for writing’s sake. Its still true that the world is how it is, and you have to be this and that and so on and so forth with your ‘in-laws’.

I picked this off another article I read long ago, and it holds true in this situation: I tell you this, monsieur, if that’s how the world works, it ain’t working right!

Meanwhile, for the fear of not having shelter, let me just say, “Long live the alpha male!”

Yours truly,
A Rebel.

Courage to be Loved

While it is almost impossible for people to believe that it takes hardly any courage to love, what remains true is that in comparison with the courage it takes to be loved, it takes almost negligible strength/courage to love. . . .

Love is like water. The more you try conditioning it and keeping it within your palm, the tougher it is to hold it. Love is like the sea. Let it be, let it roar when there’s a storm, let it shelter the fish, let is support a life system as a whole. The sea gives more life than a bottle of water on your table does.

It is so easy to be engrossed in your own selves, so much that others don’t seem to exist. It takes courage to believe that others do. It is so easy to believe that the whole world is against you, and you have to fight a battle alone against the world. It is just so much harder to believe that the world is actually with you, and your battle is against issues that crop up within, not outside. . .

When you say your love is selfless, rethink what you’re saying.

You could be ready to fight a million armies for one person, but what really makes you selfless is your ability to distinguish between your allies and your foes. When you’re battling against the world showing someone how much you love them, you’re hurting those who are close to you. If they still stand by you, it is not because you are selfless, it is because they are accommodating.

My neighbour says that any two rational, normal human beings, if wed, will fall in love eventually. My father says it isn’t true, what if the significant other has a flaw one just can’t stand? Therefore, I said, rational, normal human beings.

Love is Mercy. If you can forgive someone for their flaws and embrace them with it, what more could you want from love?

It is so easy to confine yourself to a bubble you think is your world. So much harder to accept that this bubble can pop any second. The world is so much more than your bubble. Your world is so much more than that. . .

No one person can mean the world to you. . . It is just a comfortable thought.

Making ‘your world’ happy is easy. Making those who make ‘your world’ happen is tough. Life’s about sharing your happiness and love.

To attain a state of mental sanctity. . . to be able to distinguish between love and all that pretends to be love is what is the challenge. To have the strength to believe that people do care, people care much more than what you can see. To have the courage to call for peace instead of getting ready for battle.

After all, to love is to live.

Selfless love now prevails. . . 

Almighty is not the Means. He is the End.

“Ouch!”

“Is it hot?”

“Kind of, but proceed. . .J”

“Ok ma’am. . .”

“OUCH!
*runs a finger across her hand*
Smoooooooooth!
Bill please!”

J
I’m talking about a beauty salon.
Welcome to the life of Bhulakshmi Strapsi, a beautician at Beep* Beauty Salon.

Like any other person before a big event coming up, I was tensed about how I’d look, irrespective of whether others looked at me or not. That’s when I went to Beep* Beauty Salon, one day before My Conference. I had no idea that I’d be meeting one woman I’m bound to respect and admire for the rest of my life. . .

In her gentle voice, she asked me, “How’s college life then?” while she was working on making me look presentable for the next day. Here’s another reason I respect her: No matter how hideous, she could make them look good enough for whatsoever event.

And like any other skeptical idiot, I assumed she wanted to engage me in conversation, so that even if waxing hurts, I wouldn’t know and thus, she wouldn’t be blamed by her employers.

What that small bit of conscience could hear, inside of me, was inaudible to my cynic ears. There was a sense of pleading, a certain amount of pain in her question. “How’s college life then?”

How would I know?

Bhulakshmi Strapsi is a 19 year old.
She never attended college. . . Although out of choice, she regrets it now.

But as it happens in most paths, there was no looking back for Bhulakshmi.

Shit happens. But I don’t know how most of the shit happened to this innocent. . . Woman.

You see, Bhulakshmi is a MARRIED 19 year old. I’m sure you’ll agree. . . It is legal, but way too young an age to live in the bond of Holy Matrimony. At an age where the concept of Marriage itself is strange, getting married is unfair!

Bhulakshmi didn’t want to get married. But she did, because her parents, coming from villages, thought it a ripe, ideal age for this Bond.

Bhulakshmi’s Husband has 2 sisters. . . Both are yet to be married.

Why does Bhulakshmi work: To help her husband conduct these marriages.

Bhulakshmi’s parents don’t know she’s working. Bhulakshmi’s husband doesn’t want her to work. Bhulakshmi still works.
Bhulakshmi’s employee doesn’t want her to work outside of Beep*. Bhulakshmi takes the risk and still works. To increase her meager income of Rs. 3500.

Why does Bhulakshmi work: To help her husband conduct these marriages.

Bhulakshmi wishes she could study further. Bhulakshmi wishes to widen her scope of getting a better job. Bhulakshmi’s parents don’t know she works. Bhulakshmi’s husband doesn’t want her to work.

YET, why does Bhulakshmi work: To help her husband conduct these marriages. . .

At the tender age of 19, where she can’t understand what web this cruel reality has spun her into, where she didn’t want to get married, where she married a  man 4 years senior to her, where she married without will
Bhulakshmi Strapsi, without bothering about her parents ‘trust’, without bothering about the man who held the threads of her destiny: her husband, without giving a damn to the rest of the world; struggled to make two ends meet for one man her fate had tied her to: her husband.

Meet Bhulakshmi Strapsi, the essence of Feminity, the embodiment of Sacrifice.

If you’re looking for something to put Your Faith in, and if You refuse to believe in God. . . Meet Bhulakshmi Strapsi’s arduous journey. Her unwavering loyalty towards a stranger of a man. Her bright, glowing hope that someday, Life would be better. Life would show her a more smooth path ahead.

Meet Bhulakshmi Strapsi. . .
Who truly believes

Almighty is not the Means. He is the End.


*: Name changed for Bhulakshmi's safety. :)

Once in your Lifetime, I promise. . .

You’ll meet a person who’ll annoy you so much, you’ll want to tear your hair out from its roots, and the person will tag on to you like a tail. You’ll also meet a person whom you’ll admire so much, they might just give a new meaning to respect and meaningful existence, and you might just know them for a fleeting instance.

You’ll do something you know is forbidden, and particularly enjoy it. You’ll also do something almost religiously prescribed and curse yourself for doing it.

You’ll find that in the most attractive fruit lies the bitterest juice. You’ll also find that the most rotten looking fruit will soothe every inch, every fiber of your being with its pure, juicy essence.

You’ll fall in love with hatred, give birth to hatred for love, become a cynic and curse life as a whole and death would seem a better option. You’ll also appreciate the pristine, indomitable beauty of living, the inevitable darkness and finality of death and the sheer joy of breathing fresh air.

You’ll never tread the untrodden path that your feet longed to feel. You’ll also carve yourself a future out of something you’ve sworn to avoid and find yourself enjoying it.

You’ll run for a mile in someone’s shoes you prayed you’d never have to wear, and would have traded with your own shoes any day. You’ll also run for a mile in your own shoes and wish you had someone else’s shoes beneath your delicate sole.

You’ll find that you’ve lost something that means your existence to you. You’ll also find that whatsoever meant your existence only left to give you another more meaningful, more pure, more enthralling reason to live.

You’ll find yourself compelled to love the person you can never bring yourself to like. You’ll also find yourself compelled to hate a person you can never bring yourself to not-love.

You’ll find yourself sheathing the darkest realms of you from the ones you love. You’ll also find yourself exposing it, without your own knowledge, to your most-feared enemy.

You’ll find yourself forced to do good for no reason. You’ll also find yourself harmed for doing good.

You’ll find that nothing goes according to plan, life’s messed up, you’re on the verge of breaking down and jumping from a crevice is the most rational, suitable thing to do.

Then always remember, every step on hot coal, every little tear, every small smile, every large chunk of happiness is the part of a larger plan made by the Heavens Above. Nothing will ever go as planned, cause you’re never the Planner at all.

What you want is not what you need. What you need is not what you want.

Three words sum it all up: Life Goes On.

What not to do in a School Laboratory. ;)

1.       Do not laugh at someone who is being yelled at by the Teacher. It gets you nowhere in their good books. K They will NOT, I repeat they will NOT appreciate  a goofy grin at their humiliation max. moment.

2.       Do not curse the teacher. . . Not in front of them at least. They’re experienced, seen around 25 batches like yours and know what you do when you lip sync. No, they don’t think you’re chattering, shivering, and definitely NOT singing.

3.       Do not look at colour changes during the experiment and smile like an idiot, or give an expression as if you’ve been hit on your head with a club. Rei fool, the teacher sees experiments like that everyday. And if you smile, you just come across as a fool. Which is exactly what you are anyway, cause you’re reading this. :P

4.       Do not behave as if you’re eager for an explosion to happen. Darling, explosions are only exciting as long as they don’t turn your face into charcoal.

5.       Do not handle strong acids and bases like they’re your  G.I.Joe playthings. Arrey girl, they’re not Barbie doll playthings also. Handle them like a glass container should be handled. Frankly, handle with care isn’t a pansy, gay thing to do. Its sensible.

6.       Do not look at a 6 volt electric circuit and ask if you’ll get a shock and die. Beta, class 7 if you’d have studied, you’d know six volts is not enough to kill a microbe in your dirty fingernail also.

7.       Do not ask in which direction current flows when you’re in 12^th grade. Remember not to show off that you’ve always been promoted from each grade to the next and not passed on pure merit.

8.       Don’t run around the teacher as if you don’t know what you’re doing. Most of all, do NOT look at the apparatus as if you don’t know what its related to. Its ridiculous.

9.       Oh yeah, DO handle the apparatus carefully? And don’t laugh at others who don’t. ;)

10.   Follow 1 through 9. :D

P.S.: The above points are based on pure experience. Any resemblance to any lab, active or dormant is purely real and intentional, definitely not co-incidental. J

Absolem

It has been 16 years, 3 months, 13 days and 8 hours and 48 minutes (as of 30th May, 1652 hours). Since I was born, that is. Quite long I’ve seen this place, haven’t I? J

When I was 7, one morning, I had the future of a completely Mumbai based girl, travelling in trains/buses, et al. The next morning, I woke up in a train on my way here. Hyderabad.
When I was 11, one morning, I had the future of a girl giving her class 7 exams, and giving them quite well. The next morning, I was in a hospital bed, with the doctor saying, “One more day late, and. . .”

When I went to my aunt’s place over the summer, for an intended 14 day schedule, on the 8^th day, I looked forward to 6 more days with her. The next morning, I was looking for flight tickets back home. My grandmother had expired.

But why?

Because nothing is Absolute.

You could probably wake up and feel like the healthiest person this morning, and live it to the fullest. Who knows, next morning you might be diagnosed with cancer! Cynical though this may seem, pessimism though it might appear, could one find fault with this theory? I don’t think so.

Tomorrow is, truly, another day.

My other grandma, lies there, in quite a critical situation in a hospital. Doctors have given up hope. I was looking for somewhere, where she could take a ‘U’ turn and come back to normalcy. But that road seemed almost endless. And straight. I knew that this was merely an illusion. The road looked endless till the end came. And it would just. . . go. Like that. So we, as a tightly knit, supportive family, together walked. Walked on and on, waiting, watching, carefully, whether the end was there already. But it is not over, until it is over. . . In vain, for Her good, we hoped that it was the end. Days on end, we did that. But just when we thought the road would end, it seemed to begin all over again.

At times I felt, well, I hoped the ‘U’ turn had come. And then I realized that I was being a kid. But is it really wrong?

At heart, everyone hopes for the Tooth Fairy, the Santa Claus, et al to exist. I’m 16, I do have the right to hope for a ‘U’ turn. But the fact remains that whichever of these you believe in, you’re in for a sad shock. They don’t exist.

Cause tomorrow is another day. And it is uncertain. My next minute is uncertain.

There’ll be people who’ll break your heart, there’ll be people who mend it. And all of it happens today. Today doesn’t have a sequence. And tomorrow’s existence doesn’t have a guarantee. All you have is now, this second. Live it while you can, when it is there.

Do your best, do it today! I don’t say fulfill all the guilty pleasures. Cause hey, that isn’t what life is about, that isn’t what fun is about either. Fulfill what you think you owe to the world. Finish that unfinished song, take the last rhythm towards perfection. Sing loud with your head held high.

Because all you have is now, live it while you can.

You know, ‘Live for today’ seems quite a cheery thought to think. I feel it is a Cynic’s view. And very True.

There are so many possibilities of the events that might occur today. No one can call their lives monotonous. Cause no one’s life is. Everyone thinks they know what’s going to happen the next second. But who is absolutely certain of it?

It all depends on just one thing: Belief. Faith.

I believe my tomorrow is a fantasy. All I have is now.

Love,
Assumed Realist.