The 'Her'... within Her.

Where is She?

She sat in the darkness, a bead of sweat trickling down her face. She held the phone very close to her ear, she wanted hear her best friend speak... She loved that voice. Her best friend was a part of her life, a part of her...Her best friend, for the first time in years asked her something... “Where are YOU?! Where is that little chirpy young girl I used to know? I miss her..!! I just see a compilation of so many other people...” She held the phone closer to her ear. Her best friend spoke, she heard.

She retorted as if she found it funny. But she did not find it funny. She did not find it ridiculous that her best friend was telling her that she had lost her. It was scary... wierd... unfair... but she could not say it was untrue... She had lost herself. Or maybe not? All her life she wanted keep people around her smiling. All the time.

Maybe she was conceited as she was saying all this to Me, but... It was true. She wanted everyone around her to smile. She sometimes also wanted to cause the smile. It was important to her that she did not upset anyone. She wanted to be Someone they wanted to like. She had lost herself in others’ Smiles.

But who was to blame? If there was anyone, it was her..!! She had not committed a crime. She was not guilty. She just... gave so much importance to others that in the process, she lost herself. There was no “her” in her anymore... But maybe there was?

She read once... That water’s capacity to adjust and let fishes cut through it, calmly and peacefully, is fascinating. What fascinated her about water was that Water moulded itself into any container. It was friendly that way. It let fishes swim and cut through it... It let people drink it... Water was everyone’s friend as long as adjusting was concerned. But what she found the most fascinating about water was that although everyone loved Water, it retained its identity. Nothing about it got lost on its way to being the ‘favourite’ thing, on its way to setting smiles on everyone’s faces.

She forgot who she was... All she retained of herself was the fact that she still wanted everyone to smile.

No one had realised that for their smile, maybe she had lost someone she used to be? As her best friend spoke to her, she let her best friend’s word seep through her. Reaching every bit of her. This was real. This was something she had to digest...

She loved her old self. She was falling in love again... With the person she used to be. She loved herself before she realised that she was not this..!! She was not something everyone wanted her to be. She had realised that others did not make her. There were people out there... People who were amazing... People who had the best nature possible. But none of them was worth losing herself...

There were so many layers of “for you” on her... That her “for me” was buried from sight...

She is walking. She is walking towards the bright Sunset. She is walking towards the old her, waiting to be engulfed and consumed by her... Waiting to be totally and fully in Love with herself again. But she never forgot what she had gone through that night. She had lost herself... She did not want to lose herself again...

She had found what She first wanted to lose. Herself.

Where is she?