Love :)

As My holidays are coming to an end... I’m pondering over everything that happened in the last year...

What all had happened? I’d won the first prize in a competition in writing in the South Zone. Won the second prize in an inter school essay writing competition, out of sheer luck. Won the extempore in the class 10 category in My school... Become a Prefect at school.. Got the Board Exam results..

All happy memories. Great Birthday with My friends... great trip to Mumbai and Bangalore. All soul stirring experiences. Started writing poetry...

What was the Happiest moment all this year? Was it winning those prizes? Was it the sheer joy of travelling alone? Was it meeting My BFFE, Best Friend For Eternity? Was is re discovering Me?

As I talked to My Best Friend on one such day, he said, “...Are you kidding Me? I’ll come all the way there... And while My Best Friend is there, I’ll stay at Someone else’s place?...”

Bingo. I had found My Happy moment. It was not winning anything... It was not being recogonised... Not even receiving My results. My happy moment was when My friends told Me that I mean a lot to them...

Maybe Life has so many triumphs to offer... that we never pay more attention to things, which we consider insignificant... But they make the biggest difference. Four Words had changed My whole perspective... The way I viewed My life... “What About Your Smile?” As My friend very rightly puts... “Little things and Happiness in Life”... Right. Apt. They have a much greater impact on Me than anything else...

But as days passed on... Maybe I’d drawn a wrong conclusion again.

Kissing My mother always gave Me more happiness than being kissed by Her... J

The greatest thing in Life... The greatest Happiness is not when You hear “I Love You”... But when You say “I Love You”...

When that overpowering... all consuming... crushing feeling engulfs You... It gives You much more happiness than knowing it has engulfed someone else.

For the first time... I understood why they say Love is unconditional. Because when You really Love Someone... You don’t expect anything in return.

They say giving is better than receiving... I agree.

Being engulfed by Love for Someone... is the best thing that can happen to Someone.

They always say, “When you Love Someone, tell them..!!” I know why... Its not to tell the other Person. It is to make Yourself Happier...

I Love You... The three words can have a greater impact when You say them. J

An unconditional... irrational... mesmerising emotion. That I feel for My Family... For My Friends...

Yeah, Giving IS better than receiving. J

The 'Her'... within Her.

Where is She?

She sat in the darkness, a bead of sweat trickling down her face. She held the phone very close to her ear, she wanted hear her best friend speak... She loved that voice. Her best friend was a part of her life, a part of her...Her best friend, for the first time in years asked her something... “Where are YOU?! Where is that little chirpy young girl I used to know? I miss her..!! I just see a compilation of so many other people...” She held the phone closer to her ear. Her best friend spoke, she heard.

She retorted as if she found it funny. But she did not find it funny. She did not find it ridiculous that her best friend was telling her that she had lost her. It was scary... wierd... unfair... but she could not say it was untrue... She had lost herself. Or maybe not? All her life she wanted keep people around her smiling. All the time.

Maybe she was conceited as she was saying all this to Me, but... It was true. She wanted everyone around her to smile. She sometimes also wanted to cause the smile. It was important to her that she did not upset anyone. She wanted to be Someone they wanted to like. She had lost herself in others’ Smiles.

But who was to blame? If there was anyone, it was her..!! She had not committed a crime. She was not guilty. She just... gave so much importance to others that in the process, she lost herself. There was no “her” in her anymore... But maybe there was?

She read once... That water’s capacity to adjust and let fishes cut through it, calmly and peacefully, is fascinating. What fascinated her about water was that Water moulded itself into any container. It was friendly that way. It let fishes swim and cut through it... It let people drink it... Water was everyone’s friend as long as adjusting was concerned. But what she found the most fascinating about water was that although everyone loved Water, it retained its identity. Nothing about it got lost on its way to being the ‘favourite’ thing, on its way to setting smiles on everyone’s faces.

She forgot who she was... All she retained of herself was the fact that she still wanted everyone to smile.

No one had realised that for their smile, maybe she had lost someone she used to be? As her best friend spoke to her, she let her best friend’s word seep through her. Reaching every bit of her. This was real. This was something she had to digest...

She loved her old self. She was falling in love again... With the person she used to be. She loved herself before she realised that she was not this..!! She was not something everyone wanted her to be. She had realised that others did not make her. There were people out there... People who were amazing... People who had the best nature possible. But none of them was worth losing herself...

There were so many layers of “for you” on her... That her “for me” was buried from sight...

She is walking. She is walking towards the bright Sunset. She is walking towards the old her, waiting to be engulfed and consumed by her... Waiting to be totally and fully in Love with herself again. But she never forgot what she had gone through that night. She had lost herself... She did not want to lose herself again...

She had found what She first wanted to lose. Herself.

Where is she?

Dear Daughter... :)

Summer Vacation= Two months of jobless-ness= Frustration= I’M GOING MAD..!!

Well, that has been My condition for over a month now. J Wondering what to do… So, I picked up the phone, called up My classmate, to ask her how she’s doing. She was a little busy, and said she’d give Me a call later in the afternoon.

When she did call later, I asked her, “Oh man..!! What on Earth were you busy with..!! I’m trying so hard to find work…” And she tells Me, “HEY..!! I had just woken up. I had to brush and stuff..” Trust Me, it was hilarious. I had called her at about 10:30. And she said she was busy, cause she had just woken up..!!

Phone+Me= Frightful combination. High phone bills. Luckily, this time, My friend had called, and not Me herJ We talked about all the possible things… We also talked about… Restrictions. As girls. At home. Un-avoidable subject, I guess.

Here we go… Everytime I think about those restrictions, I don’t know whom to blame. My mother always says don’t go out in the dark… Don’t trust guys too much… No this, no that, blah blah. I guess we never did achieve the Independence Gandhiji had in mind… Where a woman wearing heavy jewellery could walk alone on the roads when it is dark, without any fear. By birth, a girl is taught to adjust, adjust, adjust. Someone misbehaves with you, ADJUST, don’t let it out, or you won’t be ‘respected’ anymore. If you can’t walk in the dark out of fear, take your brother/father with you, don’t go alone; ADJUST with the situations. There is a sloka in Sanskrit,

"Yatra Naaryasthu poojyanthe
Ramanethe thatra devathaha"

Meaning where a woman is respected and treated with dignity, there resides God. I wonder whether there is God anywhere around Me… They say God is everywhere, I wonder then, why I have to think twice before stepping outside My house past 7 pm. I wonder then, why I have to think twice before picking out My friends. I wonder then, why My friend and I are talking about restrictions…

I wonder now… When will we achieve the Independence the Father of the Nation dreamt of. I wonder, when the average middle class woman in the village will come out of the kitchen to get educated… I wonder when a pretty looking woman in the City will dare to come out late at night, alone, without the fear of being robbed or harassed in any manner. I wonder when a poor girl will get married without the fear of dowry death… I wonder when abominable practices like sati, child marriage, dowry, etc will be abolished…

Many a times, whenever the box around Me grows too small, meaning I feel there are too many restrictions, I find that I’m unconsciously promising Myself that if I have a daughter, I will give her all of this. I will give her enough freedom. I wonder… If I do have a daughter, maybe she’ll be writing a blog similar to this in the future? Of that, I’m not aware… My friend said, “If I have a daughter, I’ll give her all that I missed out.” I found out that I’m not the only one promising that to Myself. J

It was just a few minutes before that, I’d written a blog posted by My sweet sweet Mama… J About War… Peace. And I’d told him that it was an amazing entry, and we have to make this world a better place to live in for our children and grand children.

I wonder now… I’d sub consciously promised My “daughter” Freedom, Trust… Of course, she’d have all of that. But now… After talking to My Mama… I realized, there is something more My “daughter” needs. Something I’ve missed out, and something she deserves, as the Country’s future. Something that now lies in My generation’s hands… Something My previous generation missed out and never looked at. My “daughter” needs cleaner air to breathe, fresher and more pure water to drink, and most of all, My “daughter” needs to be able to look at a person from another Country which affected us in the past and not hate them. My “daughter” needs a peaceful Earth…

So I ask of all My generation- mates... Our children are begging for a better future… Our children are begging for a peaceful Earth. They need us…

Let’s give this Earth the condition it deserves… Let’s give our children a future they would love, not be forced to love...

Sincerely,

Me :)

What about Your smile?

They say it stings when Your Friend is on the opposite side. I say its never possible, cause if that person really IS Your Friend, You can never be on opposite sides… A little compromise is necessary, doesn’t matter from which side it comes…

My school is working on a project, over the summer, which has many sub projects. Different ‘clubs’, if I can say that. And different clubs have different student in-charge. They would be selected by the SG and the DSG. Well, I was selected for the sub-project that My Bestie wanted/wants… I would never know. I begged for this sub-pro, cause it is related to My BFFE, Best Friend For Eternity, Dee. J But… My Bestie..?? Although this must be sounding like absolute crap to You, to Me it was 'emotional dilemma'. My Bestie, or My BFFE? Ok, My BFFE would not say “Aishu, You did not take THAT, get lost.” Of course she wouldn’t. We love each other too much J But there was too much Symbolic value attached to it. Like, the club was in the Art Room… where all My love for the Arts began… :D

I sat down… I thought calmly about it. I told the SG, who happens to be a very good friend of Mine, to exchange My position with My Bestie. “keep her happy… Let her Smile… I’ll manage.” And a took a deep breath and said, good bye… I really wanted to take part in that sub-pro, but… I don’t want it to be the reason My Bestie is sad. No way. Saying bye is better than seeing Her sad… (She never cries :D )

I could not voice this to many… As in, a lot of people did know, but no one knew exactly how much pain it was to part with that sub-pro… At that moment, voicing it to Dee itself was tough. I could not..!! I WOULD NOT let Her think I’m upset. She’s not jobless. She’s a 24 year old who has more important work that telling a 15 year old that… Aal Izz Well. J It is alright. Don’t be sad…

Saying I wept for many days about this would be exaggeration. J Because I did not. I was prepared to let go.

At that moment… there was only one person whom I could talk to. My friend… A very very good friend of Mine. Who is a mutual friend of Mine and Dee’s, and one of Dee’s best friends.J Maybe I could talk to Him about it… cause I saw Him as someone whom I could turn to when I am sad… Or maybe I told Him because I trust Him a lot. Or maybe I told Him cause My instincts asked Me to…

And for the first time… from the very beginning of this hitch, for the first time someone asked Me, “What about Your smile?” I had no answer to that. I knew I’d be happy only if I were in that sub-pro. “I’m happy if She is” is too typically movie-ish.

The next evening… I walked out. Almost as if in a trance, I kept walking, not knowing where I was going, why I was walking, nothing. All I knew was that I was thinking… Those four words kept ringing in My ears… “What about Your smile?”

That’s when I realized. All I needed was that small bit of concern. Someone telling Me… I care. It made all that Pain so much more easy to go through. All of a sudden, I was happy. I felt better. Someone out there… someone out there cares. And if not for the Project, at least for that One Person, I was going to do My Best, whatever sub-pro I got. My Friend would be happy… And I am happy. J Happy Ending. All thanks to someone saying… “What about Your smile?”

And now, We are not on the opposite sides. My Bestie was ready to stay back in her sub-pro, and I was ready to take that up, if She took up Mine. We never were on opposite sides… The decision was to be taken the next day...

They say it stings when Your Friend is on the opposite side. I say its never possible, cause if that person really IS Your Friend, You can never be on opposite sides… A little compromise is necessary, doesn’t matter from which side it comes…