Confessions of The Black Sheep

*Tick-tock-tick-tock

Stop... You stupid little disgusting bead of liquid...!!

STOP! TIME! Stop!

Work... what does this mean... Theta minus... Plus... Coeffeicient of Friction... WAIT, we’re doing 2 D motion na... but Multi-conceptual... Minus... Acceleration due to gravity... Divided... Tan Theta...
WHAT THE HELL! Stop PISSING ME OFF and MIND your OWN business you little Greek Symbol... wait... is theta...*

Yeah. Yeah. I was writing My TIME Evaluation Test. On the 7^th of November, 2010, sitting in a dingy, not crowded, well-lit, YET congested classroom. For years, I’d liked Closed Rooms. And this one was making Me Claustrophobic.

I’d sworn to Myself way back in class 8 that I’d NEVER sit in a room that bottles up students like some Gas which can be compressed (I’m talking Chemistry :O) and tolerate it. I’d given up one class way back in class 9. Attended it for a day... I’d sworn to Myself never to even attempt to get trained for Indian Institute of Technology’s Entrance Examination. Yet here I sat, a dumbhead trying to solve a Paper she couldn’t make a head or tail of, mainly meant for Focused People (*sighs*) to crack the Entrance Exam.

Yeah, I still do not want to write Indian Institute of Technology’s (IIT) Entrance Exam. I still don’t want to follow 10 lakh people from My country and become and Engineer. But not because I do not wish to work. Because I do not wish to follow the crowd. Because I know I don’t have the aptitude for it. For example, when I look at a fan, I never think how it works. I’ve forever thought of what better ways to sell it, make it look more attractive... Because I know I will NOT BE Happy!

Yet here I sat, attempting a paper, and battling with My Conscience, trying to figure out WHY I regret not joining Coaching Classes in class 8 itself. I can’t... I couldn’t... Think beyond marks. I’m confused. For Me, not being disgraced and branded a failure is more important than enjoying what I do. Way more important. All My Life, I’ve stressed on Believing in What You Do. Today, here I sat blasting My own Beliefs into Smithereens, for a Test I was writing. I Hate Physics, but not cause My Full Family loves it. Because I just don’t get it! They say, never give up... But then, I know My limitations. Physics is something I’ve just NEVER been able to do. The last numerical I solved in Physics was substituting value and doing kid multiplication.

My Pen has always rested its Nib on Paper to write words, not numbers. Words flowing out of My Heart, not Books.

Yet, with all this, here I sat, trying to write an Evaluation Test.

Yet, with all this, here I sat, battering My Beliefs and Everything I promised to Myself I’d never ever do.

Yet here, I sat, confessing...

Hi. I’m Me. A Fifteen Year Old. I’m Self-Obsessed, a Little Self-Centred, a little Selfless too. I’ve been bitched about, just like any other Fifteen Year Old. I’ve been hurt, just like any other Fifteen Year Old. I know I’m nothing Special, yet I Love to Believe I am. I believe that accepting Myself for Who I am to Myself, sets Me apart. I’m conceited, a little too complacent at times. I like the Way I write whether Others like it or not. I’m Frank, Straightforward and a bit Rude. I Care like no one ever could, but if I don’t... I just don’t. I’ve got Strong Opinions and a Barrier around Me.

And I’m doing Nothing whatsoever to correct Me.

I can See big Black spots of Flaws in Me.

But Hi... I’m Me. A Fifteen Year Old. A little Self-Obsessed, a little Self Centred and a little Selfless too.

Signing Off

A Flawed Me. (:

Faces...

How be the World

As Shallow as its Crust...

Where Faces be Crisp in Memories

Yet the thousand Insights the Eyes Provide

The thousand gestures the Tears Convey...

Be lost in the Memory Lane, giving way to Crisp Memories

...

And How be the World

As Shallow as its Crust...

Road to Heaven

A Happy Janmashtami, or Krishna Jayanti to all Believers, and a happy torrential downpour (mom says it always rains on this day) to the Non-Believers living in Dry Parched Areas. :D And to all the rest, living in India, A Very Happy Government Declared Holiday. (How was your sleep? Mine was ruined cause I had to attend a coaching class at 6 in the morning -_-)

For Me, every festival is a Day is to Believe (Atheist without patience, I’m saying Bye to You here... J ), to Revere and Respect the Higher Power Above Who has supported Human kind throughout, never leaving Our Hand, although We never felt it there in the first place...

We face an accident, “Why Me, oh Lord?! Why ME?!!” But no, We narrowly escape Death, something wonderful happens, someone You Love has come home all of a sudden to Surprise You... Its pure luck, isn’t it? There’s no need to thank God. After all, He is the One Who will solve all Your problems. Nothing to expect, is there? Its his Duty to gift You with the most beautiful of People and things in Your Life, but definitely, its not Your Duty to respect and thank Him for it...

Today... I didn’t keep to My Belief. I spent All morning cuddling My bed very close to Myself. I spent all Afternoon searching for a Shop that sells Cellphone chargers, as I’d lost Mine. The first Shop I went to had sold Me a stupid set. It was in pieces on the second day of its purchase. I went there and had a Hormonal Imbalance Condition when the Salesman tried to get away with it. I yelled and yelled. I wouldn’t say I yelled Myself hoarse, but I yelled to the point of making Him hang his head in Shame and not say anything. I yelled so much that He had none of his *witty* remarks to pile Me with.

Me: Hey!! That’s a new story. I never even considered it! Dude! Why would I pay 120 bucks for a charger and break it? I mean.. obviously, I want to ruin and disrupt Your business, right? (fool!)

Him: *grins like an idiot*

Me: You don’t have the minimum respect for Your customer!!

Him: *what-the-hell-is-this-stupid-school-kid-talking-about? My-business-will-flourish-without-her!!!* look.

Me: UGH HUH!

Him: *hanging his head in shame that I knew did not come naturally*

And yet, when I returned Home, I was drawing Krishna’s feet on My House Flooring. I was bending down to draw Someone’s feet whom I’d often cursed ki, “God! Why ME!! Why only ME?!”

Its become a Tradition for Man to not Thank God for whatever He has received. But is it His Flaw after all?

He prays for hours together in the Morning. Puts on a Tilak on His Head and comes to Work dishonestly. He pours boxes and boxes of change into the Temple ‘Hundi’ which He’d obviously not give to that Poor Disabled Person on the Road begging for Food. What is the Use? Haven’t We often heard that Service to Mankind in Service to God?

What is the Use? That salesman probably did Namaz 5 times a Day or went to Church every Sunday, probably visited the Golden Temple at Amritsar with absolute Faith or made Prasadam to take to the Temple and offer it to ‘God’ first. And yet He disrespected and refused to help out a school student who was but asking Him to value the money she’d spent in his shop 2 days ago...

Over time, for Man, it has become more of a Duty to visit the Temple than a form of Devotion.

If Work is Worship, people don’t seem to care! All Man’s done over Centuries now is pray and err everyday. Its like they slap you and then ask for forgiveness which You are so not ready to give.

To Err is Human

To Forgive, Divine.

We’ve definitely proved Ourselves Human. The fallacies We commit every single day has now become such a huge chunk of Life that there is no time to rethink, look back, smell the Roses, read the Signposts (Good and Evil) and walk ahead.

Life gave Us the opportunity to Smell the Roses, We plucked them. Life threw Lemons at Us, We made them Lemon Juice with Sugar in it so it tastes good.

Life gave Us Two Roads ahead of Us, and We chose the One that looked more Cloudy, so as to enjoy the Weather. And now the Cold’s embraced Us. The Blanket’s flown away. Nothing to protect Us from any Evil thought crossing Our Mind...

Once again, let’s just Re-think. Once again, for the sake of Humanity, not ‘God’. For the sake for Humanity, let’s just beg for Forgiveness, and start Afresh...

Let’s just thank Him for all We have, and create more Happiness for others to benefit from.

For Happiness, after all, once divided, increases tenfold.

Two Sides of a Coin

Two sides of a coin... Wow wow wow wow. Slowing down a bit. Where did all of this start?

Dinner table. Chatting time. Gossip time. DEBATE time. And My lovely brother, always ready is subtly, cleverly, wittily, smartly put his point across. And this time He said, “I want to be able to see both the sides of the coin...”

Me... Trance like state, thinking about Sreeramchandra Mynampatti’s absolutely mind blowing, dazzling and absolutely AWESOME performances on Indian Idol 5. And suddenly, dad’s voice and tone brought Me back to reality: “Did you HEAR that dialogue from your brother? Absolutely shocked (his dialogues and witty one liners are seriously must hears) I turned, almost cricked My neck and in an enthusiastic and enthralled voice asked, “WHAT did he say??? What what WHAT?!!” And then I got to hear that one liner... :D

Ok, so moving on... from My brother’s awesomeness (whose brother is he ;) )

Q. Why am I talking about Two Sides of a Coin?

A: Cause a coin has two sides (obviously)...

Very often, the most appreciated, the most rewarded and respected debaters are those who say, “Let’s look at both sides of the Coin...” Yeah. It is possible to look at both sides of a coin. But one cannot do it simultaneously. One has to shed his previous mindset, and FLIP the coin to view the other side. One has to shed every inclination, every bit of desire He has to view the other side. Only then can he SEE the coin, and appreciate it.

Why? Its very simply this. Trying to view both the sides of the coin at the same time will get you nowhere. It will give you a shallow view of the whole issue. As in a coin, you see that thin strip of diplomacy that will take you no where. Diplomacy is great, but all your views being based on it is not. An actual Diplomat is one who is able to see one side of the coin, FLIP it, forget all about the previous side, or rather, the opinions he formed on it, TURN it, and see the other side. Diplomacy lies in being able to respect another opinion, respect the other area, not the ability to NOT form opinions. Because that, for Me, is indecisiveness. Its not strength, but inability to figure out, according to Me. Forming opinions is fine, natural, acceptable, respectable even. But not FLAUNTING one’s opinions is wise. Is smartness, is intelligence. Its tough, but it will happen. Eventually...

The first step to it is being able to shed the Ego, adorn yourself with Humility, be proud to be able to bow down and respect another opinion.

Two sides of a coin... Impossible to be viewed simultaneously. Two sides of a coin... form the coin. Positives and negatives to everything. Upto you to support, upto you to respect.

I know there are many out there, who know Me very well, know that I’m very opinionated. And its kind of ironical that I am typing this. But believe Me you, although I am opinionated, there’s one thing I’ve noticed.

The ones most respected... Are the ones who can respect.

Its known, tried, tested, proved. Time to accept. :D

Two Sides Of A Coin...

The Invisible Belief.

Its been a long week... with abnormally long days. What with CBSE MBPC, T.I.M.E coaching classes right in the morning and Model United Nations work... Sleep is a far away Dream. A Dream is An Enthralling Reality, if it ever so occurs.

So today, in this fine weather, I finally decided I’d come back Home after attending My coaching. Just pulled My friend along and did not even bother to see if anyone was going to stop us or not.

And then I faced My Enthralling Reality: Sleep. :D What I’d missed so much over the past few days, SLEEP. I slept... and slept... and HOW!! J I woke up in the afternoon... And took a deep breath. My brain’s craving for sleep had been satiated.

Now now now... One thing I forgot to say is that I can NEVER sleep without a bottle of water right next to Me. It has to be at one arm’s distance from Me. Or I can’t sleep. If it is not there, I feel very very thirsty, and I wake up. Then I cannot sleep properly after that. On the other hand, if it IS right beside Me, I can sleep peacefully. So much so, I don’t feel thirsty at all. J So here I was. Sleeping Peacefully. And I was so very sure that I had kept My bottle of water beside Me. I fell asleep, instantly. Added to that, I felt like I’d slogged My a** off for a month or something. K When I woke up, I washed My face. I felt very fresh. It was then that I looked beside Me. There was no bottle of water. I was like, “WHAT THE HELL!! I had kept it. I remember... I DO..!!” But I had not. What made Me sleep was Me believing that Water was very close to Me.

Man does not need to SEE to believe. In fact, what Man has not Seen, He believes more in it than something he already has Seen. Belief is in the Heart. And Heart needs no Proof. I never asked Mom, Dad, My Brother or Dee... Do You Love Me? Nor have I asked for Proof. I just KNOW. I just KNOW I can Trust in them. I just KNOW that they Love Me. (Don’t relate the previous example to this and say that I think they don’t Love Me or something. I am only referring to the belief part of it.)

Its not something for which You demand Proof. Its always there. And it always so happens that everything that You Trust In. You believe so deeply and are so sure of it... It hovers around You, all the time. Invisible to You. But always there. It forms the foundation for Your Soul to grow and encompass other Souls.

Faith and Belief... Are born out of no where. They are just... there. But when they’re there, they’re Strong. And how..!! J My Best Friends are People whom I’ve known for much less time than many others. And I Trust in Them. Its not Time... Its that One Spark You are looking for. Faith is not exchange. Faith is birth.

Man believes in what He can’t See. And it is gonna remain that way.

Faith is Invisible. And Omnipresent.

Man believes in what He can’t See. And its gonna remain that way.

Trust Me... Trust is Trust, unexplainable.

I Trust You… Such a carelessly thrown around phrase. So often used… “Do You Trust Me…?” is such a common… yet feared question. Is it the underlying Truth that is scary? Is it something You don’t want to accept to Yourself? I wonder…

Its not something that just… happens. Its not earned by the way you talk. Its not earned by charms. Its not earned… just like that.

Its built. Not brick by brick. Its built atom by atom. It doesn’t need years… It needs a few seconds. In those seconds… its built. With the strongest of foundations. With the hardest of hard work. With the purest drop of Love. Trust is carved... Trust is deeply carved. Unaffected by any force.

Trust is built in the second Your parents look at You when You are born. Trust is built in the second You lay Your head on Your Best Friend’s shoulder… or lend Your shoulder for a few tears. Trust is built when Your sibling hugs You. It needs a few seconds… But it is built. Atom by atom, particle by particle, brick by brick, stone by stone…

Trust is not like paper… Once crumpled, never back to normal. Trust is not like wood… once burnt, always ashes. Trust is a building. Trust is a building made by Love as the foundation. Trust is made of Sincerity as its bricks… Trust is made of Honesty as the cement. Trust is a strong building. No little stone can break it. No little secrecy can kill it.

Honesty is not “never lying”. Honesty is being True to Yourself. Honesty is not to be blatantly frank, it is foolishness. Lies and secrecy.. at times.. are for the Greater Good. Its not give and take. It is keep and build. It is maintaining…

Trust is not broken by a small Lie. True Trust stays strong against every Lie that befalls it… For True Trust… is built. Because a Lie has a reason… A Flaw You See maybe For the Greater Good.

In tough Times… Love and Trust are all You have. If there’s Love, there is Trust. Don’t let go of it. There’s a reason, always a reason…

If You’ve hidden… Don’t explain. Trust will heal it.

Trust…

Its not something that just… happens. Its not earned by the way you talk. Its not earned by charms. Its not earned… just like that.

Its built. Not brick by brick. Its built atom by atom. It doesn’t need years… It needs a few seconds. In those seconds… its built. With the strongest of foundations. With the hardest of hard work. With the purest drop of Love. Trust is deeply carved. Unaffected by any force. Unaffected by Time.

Men may come and Men may go...

Trust... is Trust.

Love :)

As My holidays are coming to an end... I’m pondering over everything that happened in the last year...

What all had happened? I’d won the first prize in a competition in writing in the South Zone. Won the second prize in an inter school essay writing competition, out of sheer luck. Won the extempore in the class 10 category in My school... Become a Prefect at school.. Got the Board Exam results..

All happy memories. Great Birthday with My friends... great trip to Mumbai and Bangalore. All soul stirring experiences. Started writing poetry...

What was the Happiest moment all this year? Was it winning those prizes? Was it the sheer joy of travelling alone? Was it meeting My BFFE, Best Friend For Eternity? Was is re discovering Me?

As I talked to My Best Friend on one such day, he said, “...Are you kidding Me? I’ll come all the way there... And while My Best Friend is there, I’ll stay at Someone else’s place?...”

Bingo. I had found My Happy moment. It was not winning anything... It was not being recogonised... Not even receiving My results. My happy moment was when My friends told Me that I mean a lot to them...

Maybe Life has so many triumphs to offer... that we never pay more attention to things, which we consider insignificant... But they make the biggest difference. Four Words had changed My whole perspective... The way I viewed My life... “What About Your Smile?” As My friend very rightly puts... “Little things and Happiness in Life”... Right. Apt. They have a much greater impact on Me than anything else...

But as days passed on... Maybe I’d drawn a wrong conclusion again.

Kissing My mother always gave Me more happiness than being kissed by Her... J

The greatest thing in Life... The greatest Happiness is not when You hear “I Love You”... But when You say “I Love You”...

When that overpowering... all consuming... crushing feeling engulfs You... It gives You much more happiness than knowing it has engulfed someone else.

For the first time... I understood why they say Love is unconditional. Because when You really Love Someone... You don’t expect anything in return.

They say giving is better than receiving... I agree.

Being engulfed by Love for Someone... is the best thing that can happen to Someone.

They always say, “When you Love Someone, tell them..!!” I know why... Its not to tell the other Person. It is to make Yourself Happier...

I Love You... The three words can have a greater impact when You say them. J

An unconditional... irrational... mesmerising emotion. That I feel for My Family... For My Friends...

Yeah, Giving IS better than receiving. J

The 'Her'... within Her.

Where is She?

She sat in the darkness, a bead of sweat trickling down her face. She held the phone very close to her ear, she wanted hear her best friend speak... She loved that voice. Her best friend was a part of her life, a part of her...Her best friend, for the first time in years asked her something... “Where are YOU?! Where is that little chirpy young girl I used to know? I miss her..!! I just see a compilation of so many other people...” She held the phone closer to her ear. Her best friend spoke, she heard.

She retorted as if she found it funny. But she did not find it funny. She did not find it ridiculous that her best friend was telling her that she had lost her. It was scary... wierd... unfair... but she could not say it was untrue... She had lost herself. Or maybe not? All her life she wanted keep people around her smiling. All the time.

Maybe she was conceited as she was saying all this to Me, but... It was true. She wanted everyone around her to smile. She sometimes also wanted to cause the smile. It was important to her that she did not upset anyone. She wanted to be Someone they wanted to like. She had lost herself in others’ Smiles.

But who was to blame? If there was anyone, it was her..!! She had not committed a crime. She was not guilty. She just... gave so much importance to others that in the process, she lost herself. There was no “her” in her anymore... But maybe there was?

She read once... That water’s capacity to adjust and let fishes cut through it, calmly and peacefully, is fascinating. What fascinated her about water was that Water moulded itself into any container. It was friendly that way. It let fishes swim and cut through it... It let people drink it... Water was everyone’s friend as long as adjusting was concerned. But what she found the most fascinating about water was that although everyone loved Water, it retained its identity. Nothing about it got lost on its way to being the ‘favourite’ thing, on its way to setting smiles on everyone’s faces.

She forgot who she was... All she retained of herself was the fact that she still wanted everyone to smile.

No one had realised that for their smile, maybe she had lost someone she used to be? As her best friend spoke to her, she let her best friend’s word seep through her. Reaching every bit of her. This was real. This was something she had to digest...

She loved her old self. She was falling in love again... With the person she used to be. She loved herself before she realised that she was not this..!! She was not something everyone wanted her to be. She had realised that others did not make her. There were people out there... People who were amazing... People who had the best nature possible. But none of them was worth losing herself...

There were so many layers of “for you” on her... That her “for me” was buried from sight...

She is walking. She is walking towards the bright Sunset. She is walking towards the old her, waiting to be engulfed and consumed by her... Waiting to be totally and fully in Love with herself again. But she never forgot what she had gone through that night. She had lost herself... She did not want to lose herself again...

She had found what She first wanted to lose. Herself.

Where is she?

Dear Daughter... :)

Summer Vacation= Two months of jobless-ness= Frustration= I’M GOING MAD..!!

Well, that has been My condition for over a month now. J Wondering what to do… So, I picked up the phone, called up My classmate, to ask her how she’s doing. She was a little busy, and said she’d give Me a call later in the afternoon.

When she did call later, I asked her, “Oh man..!! What on Earth were you busy with..!! I’m trying so hard to find work…” And she tells Me, “HEY..!! I had just woken up. I had to brush and stuff..” Trust Me, it was hilarious. I had called her at about 10:30. And she said she was busy, cause she had just woken up..!!

Phone+Me= Frightful combination. High phone bills. Luckily, this time, My friend had called, and not Me herJ We talked about all the possible things… We also talked about… Restrictions. As girls. At home. Un-avoidable subject, I guess.

Here we go… Everytime I think about those restrictions, I don’t know whom to blame. My mother always says don’t go out in the dark… Don’t trust guys too much… No this, no that, blah blah. I guess we never did achieve the Independence Gandhiji had in mind… Where a woman wearing heavy jewellery could walk alone on the roads when it is dark, without any fear. By birth, a girl is taught to adjust, adjust, adjust. Someone misbehaves with you, ADJUST, don’t let it out, or you won’t be ‘respected’ anymore. If you can’t walk in the dark out of fear, take your brother/father with you, don’t go alone; ADJUST with the situations. There is a sloka in Sanskrit,

"Yatra Naaryasthu poojyanthe
Ramanethe thatra devathaha"

Meaning where a woman is respected and treated with dignity, there resides God. I wonder whether there is God anywhere around Me… They say God is everywhere, I wonder then, why I have to think twice before stepping outside My house past 7 pm. I wonder then, why I have to think twice before picking out My friends. I wonder then, why My friend and I are talking about restrictions…

I wonder now… When will we achieve the Independence the Father of the Nation dreamt of. I wonder, when the average middle class woman in the village will come out of the kitchen to get educated… I wonder when a pretty looking woman in the City will dare to come out late at night, alone, without the fear of being robbed or harassed in any manner. I wonder when a poor girl will get married without the fear of dowry death… I wonder when abominable practices like sati, child marriage, dowry, etc will be abolished…

Many a times, whenever the box around Me grows too small, meaning I feel there are too many restrictions, I find that I’m unconsciously promising Myself that if I have a daughter, I will give her all of this. I will give her enough freedom. I wonder… If I do have a daughter, maybe she’ll be writing a blog similar to this in the future? Of that, I’m not aware… My friend said, “If I have a daughter, I’ll give her all that I missed out.” I found out that I’m not the only one promising that to Myself. J

It was just a few minutes before that, I’d written a blog posted by My sweet sweet Mama… J About War… Peace. And I’d told him that it was an amazing entry, and we have to make this world a better place to live in for our children and grand children.

I wonder now… I’d sub consciously promised My “daughter” Freedom, Trust… Of course, she’d have all of that. But now… After talking to My Mama… I realized, there is something more My “daughter” needs. Something I’ve missed out, and something she deserves, as the Country’s future. Something that now lies in My generation’s hands… Something My previous generation missed out and never looked at. My “daughter” needs cleaner air to breathe, fresher and more pure water to drink, and most of all, My “daughter” needs to be able to look at a person from another Country which affected us in the past and not hate them. My “daughter” needs a peaceful Earth…

So I ask of all My generation- mates... Our children are begging for a better future… Our children are begging for a peaceful Earth. They need us…

Let’s give this Earth the condition it deserves… Let’s give our children a future they would love, not be forced to love...

Sincerely,

Me :)

What about Your smile?

They say it stings when Your Friend is on the opposite side. I say its never possible, cause if that person really IS Your Friend, You can never be on opposite sides… A little compromise is necessary, doesn’t matter from which side it comes…

My school is working on a project, over the summer, which has many sub projects. Different ‘clubs’, if I can say that. And different clubs have different student in-charge. They would be selected by the SG and the DSG. Well, I was selected for the sub-project that My Bestie wanted/wants… I would never know. I begged for this sub-pro, cause it is related to My BFFE, Best Friend For Eternity, Dee. J But… My Bestie..?? Although this must be sounding like absolute crap to You, to Me it was 'emotional dilemma'. My Bestie, or My BFFE? Ok, My BFFE would not say “Aishu, You did not take THAT, get lost.” Of course she wouldn’t. We love each other too much J But there was too much Symbolic value attached to it. Like, the club was in the Art Room… where all My love for the Arts began… :D

I sat down… I thought calmly about it. I told the SG, who happens to be a very good friend of Mine, to exchange My position with My Bestie. “keep her happy… Let her Smile… I’ll manage.” And a took a deep breath and said, good bye… I really wanted to take part in that sub-pro, but… I don’t want it to be the reason My Bestie is sad. No way. Saying bye is better than seeing Her sad… (She never cries :D )

I could not voice this to many… As in, a lot of people did know, but no one knew exactly how much pain it was to part with that sub-pro… At that moment, voicing it to Dee itself was tough. I could not..!! I WOULD NOT let Her think I’m upset. She’s not jobless. She’s a 24 year old who has more important work that telling a 15 year old that… Aal Izz Well. J It is alright. Don’t be sad…

Saying I wept for many days about this would be exaggeration. J Because I did not. I was prepared to let go.

At that moment… there was only one person whom I could talk to. My friend… A very very good friend of Mine. Who is a mutual friend of Mine and Dee’s, and one of Dee’s best friends.J Maybe I could talk to Him about it… cause I saw Him as someone whom I could turn to when I am sad… Or maybe I told Him because I trust Him a lot. Or maybe I told Him cause My instincts asked Me to…

And for the first time… from the very beginning of this hitch, for the first time someone asked Me, “What about Your smile?” I had no answer to that. I knew I’d be happy only if I were in that sub-pro. “I’m happy if She is” is too typically movie-ish.

The next evening… I walked out. Almost as if in a trance, I kept walking, not knowing where I was going, why I was walking, nothing. All I knew was that I was thinking… Those four words kept ringing in My ears… “What about Your smile?”

That’s when I realized. All I needed was that small bit of concern. Someone telling Me… I care. It made all that Pain so much more easy to go through. All of a sudden, I was happy. I felt better. Someone out there… someone out there cares. And if not for the Project, at least for that One Person, I was going to do My Best, whatever sub-pro I got. My Friend would be happy… And I am happy. J Happy Ending. All thanks to someone saying… “What about Your smile?”

And now, We are not on the opposite sides. My Bestie was ready to stay back in her sub-pro, and I was ready to take that up, if She took up Mine. We never were on opposite sides… The decision was to be taken the next day...

They say it stings when Your Friend is on the opposite side. I say its never possible, cause if that person really IS Your Friend, You can never be on opposite sides… A little compromise is necessary, doesn’t matter from which side it comes…

Forgiveness...

So here I am at Bangalore... this amazingly huge city. WOW..!! A 20 minute drive here is “short distance” But then again, I come from a smaller city, so a 20 minute drive is obviously “far” for Me. I am enjoying My 10th class vacation here, post My board exam. Although if My mom were reading this, she’d have said My class 10 was a vacation in itself, and this was just to ‘pacify my sentiments and feelings’ :P

In any case, I was here. On a holiday. And doing typical holiday stuff here, sleeping for very very long, reading books, staying online.. Maybe that’s what triggered that woman?

So on My last day at Bangalore, in this trip ( :P ) I sat chatting with one of My best friends. Absorbed ... Some woman here came and started yelling, asking for My niece... Now Me, the deaf girl, did not hear her. So when I finally did hear, I said I’m so sorry, She is not here at the moment. So this woman walked away. Two minutes later, she came yelling at Me. “Your behaviour is not okay... I saw You yesterday also. You are behaving like You are the boss of this house” blah blah blah!!! What the HELL?! WOMAN! I don’t even KNOW You..!! And You bloody talk about My BEHAVIOUR?! This is not DONE..!! What on Earth are YOU to judge My behaviour?! (I purposely say WHAT and not WHO) Other than the woman with a moustache, You are NOTHING to Me, so I will call You Mrs. M (M in caps, standing for Moustache) Oh yeah, I’m mad at You. Darned well mad at You.

But then, My cousin points out right. He calls Me a baby. And so I was. Like a baby, I suddenly found that salty stuff all over My face... Those stupid tears. Hiding them, well that’s a big time trouble. Can’t hide ‘em. So there I sat... Trying to hide My tears... And that was when I realised, there was someone whom I could talk to. Without feeling like an absolute idiot. My BFFE: DEE..!! BFFE= Best Friend For Eternity. (Oh yeah, I am a BABY)

So I called Dee. I talked to Her, for about ten minutes. She was trying so hard to make Me stop crying... And after talking to Her, once again, I realised. Someone out there Loved Me. So I wiped away My tears.

Moving on to another apparently unrelated event... Now Mrs. M had come looking for My niece. My niece had wandered away somewhere. Her granny had gone to look for Her. So I was alone. Thus Mrs. M dared to MISBEHAVE. When My niece had come back, a little time after that, her mum was back. From office... Now the kid was in for a little dash of scolding as to how she could disappear like that..!! Hmmm... So yes. She was in for a scolding. Scolding= a little higher volume. Her grandma was not happy. She didn’t like the fact that someone was raising their voice against Her granddaughter. Now that, I would say, is understandable. But My neice said, “Its ok Paatti (Grandma). Mummy is right. If She’s harsh only I will listen to Her” My Goodness... The logic in that sweet 4 year old amazes Me..!! But at that moment, that’s not what amazed Me. I could See... My niece was FORGIVING. That’s when I understood why people say a Child is a form of God. This child had partaken in Sweet Lord’s basic quality of forgiving everyone, no matter what. Although it seems silly to call it Forgiveness, I call it that. She had forgiven Someone who was angry with Her. They had a reason, sure. But for a 4 year old to grasp that, I feel, is tough.

That was when I saw it... Something I’d lost in these 15 years. Something I’d lost when I saw the world with a Cynic’s eyes... Forgiveness. What I’d lost years ago, I saw in My neice... Forgiveness. Something I should have given Mrs. M (although according to Me she doesn’t deserve it)... I’d lost that part of Me, forever maybe. But I saw it in My niece...

Forgiving Mrs. M made Me feel greater... Greater than Her as a person...

Forgiveness... The things it can do to You, whether You receive it or give it. While receiving Forgiveness, You are Humble. While giving Forgiveness, You are greater as a Person... The Quality of Mercy..!!

Forgiving Mrs. M...

Thank You Mumbai..

My childhood hometown..!! Mumbai, I Love You so much..!! I’m so glad I’m back here, maybe just for a week. But I’m back..!! That was how I thought my state of mind would be when I stepped in here. But then again, I had forgotten that I was that way when I came here 2 years ago. Now, it is so different..!! For the first few days, I had not felt anything different, apart from the package offer of heat and sweat.

Then, I came to another part of the city. Where sabji mandis, beggars, flies on food and all the stuff aam aadmi is used to was used to was present. I don’t know whether I can call it the “real city”. Maybe I can’t. Cause Mumbai is way too huge. If Dharavi is a part of Mumbai city, then so is Bandra, so is Nariman Point. So you’ve got poor and rich, both of them. But no matter how rich or poor, I had understood one thing. There was no time. No one had time for some other soul. No one had time for absolutely anything other than their routine life. Life is mechanical..!! Wake up, get ready, take a train/bus, change the train/bus if required, go to work in time, work, break only for meals, take train/bus again, change train/bus again if required, go back home, eat, sleep… back to another day. Sunday would be wake up a little later, eat comparatively better off meals, and avoid the over-crowded trains. Till today, the way people worked here, I admired it. There was every (good) emotion, every single emotion, including reverence for these people. But never did I assume there’d be contempt someday. All these days I simply adored them for their efficiency. All of a sudden, all of that was lost somewhere inside Me. Buried within a single thin layer of contempt.

I was walking on the roads with my aunt here. We went to a vegetable shop. Not like a shop. More like a vegetable vendor on the road. After we were done purchasing, I also said Thank You. And oh my! I was surprised..!! Shocked, even! The way the vendor’s face lit up. At my place, I was always used to saying Thank You to the auto rickshaw drivers, shopkeepers, etc. They were used to it. It was expected. And why not? It is necessary that we thank them for their services. But here, it was just getting your work done, and leaving. Then we went to a grocery store. We bought some soap I think… When I thanked the shopkeeper, he was mildly surprised. He gave me a HUGE smile. As though no one had ever thanked Him in his long years of service. We walked over to this fruit shop close to our house. My aunt buys fruits only from Him. She also said He knows Her. It was surprising. He didn’t show any signs of recognition. No smile at all..!! The stationery shop near my house, I don’t go to Him all the time. Yet, He knows Me. And always smiles at Me. Even if I’m not buying a thing from Him..!! And here we were, at the financial capital of India; doing over 100 rupees worth shopping. And the vendor had no smile on his face. It was shocking, to say the least. Mumbai was proving to Me over and over again that it had lost its Heart, or I guess a part of it on its way to being the “city that never sleeps” or the Financial Capital of India.

Yes, I do love this place. I do Love Mumbai… But this city is growing up. Growing at such a pace that when one stops running along with the city, and stop by, just to see what is going on with their life: Not only will they be left behind. They’ll also see that it’s a blur. The city is faster than Light. There is no Time to stop, look back and reminisce all the years of Your Life that You spent to change with Time.

Although sometimes I regret moving into a smaller city, today I was happy. Really happy that even though I had not had a lifestyle with all the possible comforts and recreation, I was at least taught that sometimes, you’ve got to stop by and thank someone. It makes their day, and even yours. No matter how busy You are, those 2 seconds of Your Life that You’ve spent thanking someone will stay with them for their Life. At least in Mumbai… I am glad I moved into a smaller city, because I didn’t want to enter a Life where everything is a blur. All You know is that You gotta run, or Your life is ruined (at least that’s how it is viewed)…

I’d like to say: Thank You Mumbai :)