Love :)

As My holidays are coming to an end... I’m pondering over everything that happened in the last year...

What all had happened? I’d won the first prize in a competition in writing in the South Zone. Won the second prize in an inter school essay writing competition, out of sheer luck. Won the extempore in the class 10 category in My school... Become a Prefect at school.. Got the Board Exam results..

All happy memories. Great Birthday with My friends... great trip to Mumbai and Bangalore. All soul stirring experiences. Started writing poetry...

What was the Happiest moment all this year? Was it winning those prizes? Was it the sheer joy of travelling alone? Was it meeting My BFFE, Best Friend For Eternity? Was is re discovering Me?

As I talked to My Best Friend on one such day, he said, “...Are you kidding Me? I’ll come all the way there... And while My Best Friend is there, I’ll stay at Someone else’s place?...”

Bingo. I had found My Happy moment. It was not winning anything... It was not being recogonised... Not even receiving My results. My happy moment was when My friends told Me that I mean a lot to them...

Maybe Life has so many triumphs to offer... that we never pay more attention to things, which we consider insignificant... But they make the biggest difference. Four Words had changed My whole perspective... The way I viewed My life... “What About Your Smile?” As My friend very rightly puts... “Little things and Happiness in Life”... Right. Apt. They have a much greater impact on Me than anything else...

But as days passed on... Maybe I’d drawn a wrong conclusion again.

Kissing My mother always gave Me more happiness than being kissed by Her... J

The greatest thing in Life... The greatest Happiness is not when You hear “I Love You”... But when You say “I Love You”...

When that overpowering... all consuming... crushing feeling engulfs You... It gives You much more happiness than knowing it has engulfed someone else.

For the first time... I understood why they say Love is unconditional. Because when You really Love Someone... You don’t expect anything in return.

They say giving is better than receiving... I agree.

Being engulfed by Love for Someone... is the best thing that can happen to Someone.

They always say, “When you Love Someone, tell them..!!” I know why... Its not to tell the other Person. It is to make Yourself Happier...

I Love You... The three words can have a greater impact when You say them. J

An unconditional... irrational... mesmerising emotion. That I feel for My Family... For My Friends...

Yeah, Giving IS better than receiving. J

The 'Her'... within Her.

Where is She?

She sat in the darkness, a bead of sweat trickling down her face. She held the phone very close to her ear, she wanted hear her best friend speak... She loved that voice. Her best friend was a part of her life, a part of her...Her best friend, for the first time in years asked her something... “Where are YOU?! Where is that little chirpy young girl I used to know? I miss her..!! I just see a compilation of so many other people...” She held the phone closer to her ear. Her best friend spoke, she heard.

She retorted as if she found it funny. But she did not find it funny. She did not find it ridiculous that her best friend was telling her that she had lost her. It was scary... wierd... unfair... but she could not say it was untrue... She had lost herself. Or maybe not? All her life she wanted keep people around her smiling. All the time.

Maybe she was conceited as she was saying all this to Me, but... It was true. She wanted everyone around her to smile. She sometimes also wanted to cause the smile. It was important to her that she did not upset anyone. She wanted to be Someone they wanted to like. She had lost herself in others’ Smiles.

But who was to blame? If there was anyone, it was her..!! She had not committed a crime. She was not guilty. She just... gave so much importance to others that in the process, she lost herself. There was no “her” in her anymore... But maybe there was?

She read once... That water’s capacity to adjust and let fishes cut through it, calmly and peacefully, is fascinating. What fascinated her about water was that Water moulded itself into any container. It was friendly that way. It let fishes swim and cut through it... It let people drink it... Water was everyone’s friend as long as adjusting was concerned. But what she found the most fascinating about water was that although everyone loved Water, it retained its identity. Nothing about it got lost on its way to being the ‘favourite’ thing, on its way to setting smiles on everyone’s faces.

She forgot who she was... All she retained of herself was the fact that she still wanted everyone to smile.

No one had realised that for their smile, maybe she had lost someone she used to be? As her best friend spoke to her, she let her best friend’s word seep through her. Reaching every bit of her. This was real. This was something she had to digest...

She loved her old self. She was falling in love again... With the person she used to be. She loved herself before she realised that she was not this..!! She was not something everyone wanted her to be. She had realised that others did not make her. There were people out there... People who were amazing... People who had the best nature possible. But none of them was worth losing herself...

There were so many layers of “for you” on her... That her “for me” was buried from sight...

She is walking. She is walking towards the bright Sunset. She is walking towards the old her, waiting to be engulfed and consumed by her... Waiting to be totally and fully in Love with herself again. But she never forgot what she had gone through that night. She had lost herself... She did not want to lose herself again...

She had found what She first wanted to lose. Herself.

Where is she?

Dear Daughter... :)

Summer Vacation= Two months of jobless-ness= Frustration= I’M GOING MAD..!!

Well, that has been My condition for over a month now. J Wondering what to do… So, I picked up the phone, called up My classmate, to ask her how she’s doing. She was a little busy, and said she’d give Me a call later in the afternoon.

When she did call later, I asked her, “Oh man..!! What on Earth were you busy with..!! I’m trying so hard to find work…” And she tells Me, “HEY..!! I had just woken up. I had to brush and stuff..” Trust Me, it was hilarious. I had called her at about 10:30. And she said she was busy, cause she had just woken up..!!

Phone+Me= Frightful combination. High phone bills. Luckily, this time, My friend had called, and not Me herJ We talked about all the possible things… We also talked about… Restrictions. As girls. At home. Un-avoidable subject, I guess.

Here we go… Everytime I think about those restrictions, I don’t know whom to blame. My mother always says don’t go out in the dark… Don’t trust guys too much… No this, no that, blah blah. I guess we never did achieve the Independence Gandhiji had in mind… Where a woman wearing heavy jewellery could walk alone on the roads when it is dark, without any fear. By birth, a girl is taught to adjust, adjust, adjust. Someone misbehaves with you, ADJUST, don’t let it out, or you won’t be ‘respected’ anymore. If you can’t walk in the dark out of fear, take your brother/father with you, don’t go alone; ADJUST with the situations. There is a sloka in Sanskrit,

"Yatra Naaryasthu poojyanthe
Ramanethe thatra devathaha"

Meaning where a woman is respected and treated with dignity, there resides God. I wonder whether there is God anywhere around Me… They say God is everywhere, I wonder then, why I have to think twice before stepping outside My house past 7 pm. I wonder then, why I have to think twice before picking out My friends. I wonder then, why My friend and I are talking about restrictions…

I wonder now… When will we achieve the Independence the Father of the Nation dreamt of. I wonder, when the average middle class woman in the village will come out of the kitchen to get educated… I wonder when a pretty looking woman in the City will dare to come out late at night, alone, without the fear of being robbed or harassed in any manner. I wonder when a poor girl will get married without the fear of dowry death… I wonder when abominable practices like sati, child marriage, dowry, etc will be abolished…

Many a times, whenever the box around Me grows too small, meaning I feel there are too many restrictions, I find that I’m unconsciously promising Myself that if I have a daughter, I will give her all of this. I will give her enough freedom. I wonder… If I do have a daughter, maybe she’ll be writing a blog similar to this in the future? Of that, I’m not aware… My friend said, “If I have a daughter, I’ll give her all that I missed out.” I found out that I’m not the only one promising that to Myself. J

It was just a few minutes before that, I’d written a blog posted by My sweet sweet Mama… J About War… Peace. And I’d told him that it was an amazing entry, and we have to make this world a better place to live in for our children and grand children.

I wonder now… I’d sub consciously promised My “daughter” Freedom, Trust… Of course, she’d have all of that. But now… After talking to My Mama… I realized, there is something more My “daughter” needs. Something I’ve missed out, and something she deserves, as the Country’s future. Something that now lies in My generation’s hands… Something My previous generation missed out and never looked at. My “daughter” needs cleaner air to breathe, fresher and more pure water to drink, and most of all, My “daughter” needs to be able to look at a person from another Country which affected us in the past and not hate them. My “daughter” needs a peaceful Earth…

So I ask of all My generation- mates... Our children are begging for a better future… Our children are begging for a peaceful Earth. They need us…

Let’s give this Earth the condition it deserves… Let’s give our children a future they would love, not be forced to love...

Sincerely,

Me :)

What about Your smile?

They say it stings when Your Friend is on the opposite side. I say its never possible, cause if that person really IS Your Friend, You can never be on opposite sides… A little compromise is necessary, doesn’t matter from which side it comes…

My school is working on a project, over the summer, which has many sub projects. Different ‘clubs’, if I can say that. And different clubs have different student in-charge. They would be selected by the SG and the DSG. Well, I was selected for the sub-project that My Bestie wanted/wants… I would never know. I begged for this sub-pro, cause it is related to My BFFE, Best Friend For Eternity, Dee. J But… My Bestie..?? Although this must be sounding like absolute crap to You, to Me it was 'emotional dilemma'. My Bestie, or My BFFE? Ok, My BFFE would not say “Aishu, You did not take THAT, get lost.” Of course she wouldn’t. We love each other too much J But there was too much Symbolic value attached to it. Like, the club was in the Art Room… where all My love for the Arts began… :D

I sat down… I thought calmly about it. I told the SG, who happens to be a very good friend of Mine, to exchange My position with My Bestie. “keep her happy… Let her Smile… I’ll manage.” And a took a deep breath and said, good bye… I really wanted to take part in that sub-pro, but… I don’t want it to be the reason My Bestie is sad. No way. Saying bye is better than seeing Her sad… (She never cries :D )

I could not voice this to many… As in, a lot of people did know, but no one knew exactly how much pain it was to part with that sub-pro… At that moment, voicing it to Dee itself was tough. I could not..!! I WOULD NOT let Her think I’m upset. She’s not jobless. She’s a 24 year old who has more important work that telling a 15 year old that… Aal Izz Well. J It is alright. Don’t be sad…

Saying I wept for many days about this would be exaggeration. J Because I did not. I was prepared to let go.

At that moment… there was only one person whom I could talk to. My friend… A very very good friend of Mine. Who is a mutual friend of Mine and Dee’s, and one of Dee’s best friends.J Maybe I could talk to Him about it… cause I saw Him as someone whom I could turn to when I am sad… Or maybe I told Him because I trust Him a lot. Or maybe I told Him cause My instincts asked Me to…

And for the first time… from the very beginning of this hitch, for the first time someone asked Me, “What about Your smile?” I had no answer to that. I knew I’d be happy only if I were in that sub-pro. “I’m happy if She is” is too typically movie-ish.

The next evening… I walked out. Almost as if in a trance, I kept walking, not knowing where I was going, why I was walking, nothing. All I knew was that I was thinking… Those four words kept ringing in My ears… “What about Your smile?”

That’s when I realized. All I needed was that small bit of concern. Someone telling Me… I care. It made all that Pain so much more easy to go through. All of a sudden, I was happy. I felt better. Someone out there… someone out there cares. And if not for the Project, at least for that One Person, I was going to do My Best, whatever sub-pro I got. My Friend would be happy… And I am happy. J Happy Ending. All thanks to someone saying… “What about Your smile?”

And now, We are not on the opposite sides. My Bestie was ready to stay back in her sub-pro, and I was ready to take that up, if She took up Mine. We never were on opposite sides… The decision was to be taken the next day...

They say it stings when Your Friend is on the opposite side. I say its never possible, cause if that person really IS Your Friend, You can never be on opposite sides… A little compromise is necessary, doesn’t matter from which side it comes…

Forgiveness...

So here I am at Bangalore... this amazingly huge city. WOW..!! A 20 minute drive here is “short distance” But then again, I come from a smaller city, so a 20 minute drive is obviously “far” for Me. I am enjoying My 10th class vacation here, post My board exam. Although if My mom were reading this, she’d have said My class 10 was a vacation in itself, and this was just to ‘pacify my sentiments and feelings’ :P

In any case, I was here. On a holiday. And doing typical holiday stuff here, sleeping for very very long, reading books, staying online.. Maybe that’s what triggered that woman?

So on My last day at Bangalore, in this trip ( :P ) I sat chatting with one of My best friends. Absorbed ... Some woman here came and started yelling, asking for My niece... Now Me, the deaf girl, did not hear her. So when I finally did hear, I said I’m so sorry, She is not here at the moment. So this woman walked away. Two minutes later, she came yelling at Me. “Your behaviour is not okay... I saw You yesterday also. You are behaving like You are the boss of this house” blah blah blah!!! What the HELL?! WOMAN! I don’t even KNOW You..!! And You bloody talk about My BEHAVIOUR?! This is not DONE..!! What on Earth are YOU to judge My behaviour?! (I purposely say WHAT and not WHO) Other than the woman with a moustache, You are NOTHING to Me, so I will call You Mrs. M (M in caps, standing for Moustache) Oh yeah, I’m mad at You. Darned well mad at You.

But then, My cousin points out right. He calls Me a baby. And so I was. Like a baby, I suddenly found that salty stuff all over My face... Those stupid tears. Hiding them, well that’s a big time trouble. Can’t hide ‘em. So there I sat... Trying to hide My tears... And that was when I realised, there was someone whom I could talk to. Without feeling like an absolute idiot. My BFFE: DEE..!! BFFE= Best Friend For Eternity. (Oh yeah, I am a BABY)

So I called Dee. I talked to Her, for about ten minutes. She was trying so hard to make Me stop crying... And after talking to Her, once again, I realised. Someone out there Loved Me. So I wiped away My tears.

Moving on to another apparently unrelated event... Now Mrs. M had come looking for My niece. My niece had wandered away somewhere. Her granny had gone to look for Her. So I was alone. Thus Mrs. M dared to MISBEHAVE. When My niece had come back, a little time after that, her mum was back. From office... Now the kid was in for a little dash of scolding as to how she could disappear like that..!! Hmmm... So yes. She was in for a scolding. Scolding= a little higher volume. Her grandma was not happy. She didn’t like the fact that someone was raising their voice against Her granddaughter. Now that, I would say, is understandable. But My neice said, “Its ok Paatti (Grandma). Mummy is right. If She’s harsh only I will listen to Her” My Goodness... The logic in that sweet 4 year old amazes Me..!! But at that moment, that’s not what amazed Me. I could See... My niece was FORGIVING. That’s when I understood why people say a Child is a form of God. This child had partaken in Sweet Lord’s basic quality of forgiving everyone, no matter what. Although it seems silly to call it Forgiveness, I call it that. She had forgiven Someone who was angry with Her. They had a reason, sure. But for a 4 year old to grasp that, I feel, is tough.

That was when I saw it... Something I’d lost in these 15 years. Something I’d lost when I saw the world with a Cynic’s eyes... Forgiveness. What I’d lost years ago, I saw in My neice... Forgiveness. Something I should have given Mrs. M (although according to Me she doesn’t deserve it)... I’d lost that part of Me, forever maybe. But I saw it in My niece...

Forgiving Mrs. M made Me feel greater... Greater than Her as a person...

Forgiveness... The things it can do to You, whether You receive it or give it. While receiving Forgiveness, You are Humble. While giving Forgiveness, You are greater as a Person... The Quality of Mercy..!!

Forgiving Mrs. M...

Thank You Mumbai..

My childhood hometown..!! Mumbai, I Love You so much..!! I’m so glad I’m back here, maybe just for a week. But I’m back..!! That was how I thought my state of mind would be when I stepped in here. But then again, I had forgotten that I was that way when I came here 2 years ago. Now, it is so different..!! For the first few days, I had not felt anything different, apart from the package offer of heat and sweat.

Then, I came to another part of the city. Where sabji mandis, beggars, flies on food and all the stuff aam aadmi is used to was used to was present. I don’t know whether I can call it the “real city”. Maybe I can’t. Cause Mumbai is way too huge. If Dharavi is a part of Mumbai city, then so is Bandra, so is Nariman Point. So you’ve got poor and rich, both of them. But no matter how rich or poor, I had understood one thing. There was no time. No one had time for some other soul. No one had time for absolutely anything other than their routine life. Life is mechanical..!! Wake up, get ready, take a train/bus, change the train/bus if required, go to work in time, work, break only for meals, take train/bus again, change train/bus again if required, go back home, eat, sleep… back to another day. Sunday would be wake up a little later, eat comparatively better off meals, and avoid the over-crowded trains. Till today, the way people worked here, I admired it. There was every (good) emotion, every single emotion, including reverence for these people. But never did I assume there’d be contempt someday. All these days I simply adored them for their efficiency. All of a sudden, all of that was lost somewhere inside Me. Buried within a single thin layer of contempt.

I was walking on the roads with my aunt here. We went to a vegetable shop. Not like a shop. More like a vegetable vendor on the road. After we were done purchasing, I also said Thank You. And oh my! I was surprised..!! Shocked, even! The way the vendor’s face lit up. At my place, I was always used to saying Thank You to the auto rickshaw drivers, shopkeepers, etc. They were used to it. It was expected. And why not? It is necessary that we thank them for their services. But here, it was just getting your work done, and leaving. Then we went to a grocery store. We bought some soap I think… When I thanked the shopkeeper, he was mildly surprised. He gave me a HUGE smile. As though no one had ever thanked Him in his long years of service. We walked over to this fruit shop close to our house. My aunt buys fruits only from Him. She also said He knows Her. It was surprising. He didn’t show any signs of recognition. No smile at all..!! The stationery shop near my house, I don’t go to Him all the time. Yet, He knows Me. And always smiles at Me. Even if I’m not buying a thing from Him..!! And here we were, at the financial capital of India; doing over 100 rupees worth shopping. And the vendor had no smile on his face. It was shocking, to say the least. Mumbai was proving to Me over and over again that it had lost its Heart, or I guess a part of it on its way to being the “city that never sleeps” or the Financial Capital of India.

Yes, I do love this place. I do Love Mumbai… But this city is growing up. Growing at such a pace that when one stops running along with the city, and stop by, just to see what is going on with their life: Not only will they be left behind. They’ll also see that it’s a blur. The city is faster than Light. There is no Time to stop, look back and reminisce all the years of Your Life that You spent to change with Time.

Although sometimes I regret moving into a smaller city, today I was happy. Really happy that even though I had not had a lifestyle with all the possible comforts and recreation, I was at least taught that sometimes, you’ve got to stop by and thank someone. It makes their day, and even yours. No matter how busy You are, those 2 seconds of Your Life that You’ve spent thanking someone will stay with them for their Life. At least in Mumbai… I am glad I moved into a smaller city, because I didn’t want to enter a Life where everything is a blur. All You know is that You gotta run, or Your life is ruined (at least that’s how it is viewed)…

I’d like to say: Thank You Mumbai :)

The Day We Talked..!!

I never thought this day would come… when I’d be posting an article about my granny. My paternal granny. I know that by reading the first line itself, a 100 people are going to be after me with sticks. A 100, or maybe more. My Goodness, as I type this, I realize this is going to be scandalous. At least as far as family is concerned… J

So here goes…(I know I’m probably going back to the same lifeless mode from tomorrow) Till now, not even ONCE did I ever listen to her patiently. Not even once..!! When I’m at home, and only she is there, I’m on the phone. Or I’m studying. OR watching TV. Or reading a book. Or online. I’m doing absolutely everything other than talking to her. Well, I do not regret it. Definitely not. Although I must be sounding like my granny’s granny right now, Life has taught Me never to regret what I’ve done. Neither it helps in the present, nor the future.

Today, I listened to her. I must’ve been looking like an absolute moron, a dud. No replies, silent head shaking to whatever she said. But that certainly doesn’t mean I wasn’t listening. No, I was attentive. Very attentive. But here’s a confession, I listened with so much attention only because she was talking about one of m favourite uncles. Favourite because it amazes Me, his good nature, his sense of humour…

I was listening… Aishwariya Sunder was listening carefully to every single word Lakshmi Kunchithapatham was saying. Aah… who would have thought that would happen now?

She talked… and talked and talked. About her children, their Pune days… Her brother, My father’s cousins. Oh boy! Their childhood had almost nothing other than WORK!!! Except for happiness, for contentment… She remembers those days with fervent interest. All the “getting only *mains* water” “staying awake till late at night cause taata (her husband, my grandpa) had not returned” “talking to her 2^nd eldest son” “my dad’s eldest brother’s job”… And then came the sad part… The.. the untimely death of My dad’s brother. She said that she sometimes wishes she left the world instead of Him… His daughter’s extreme attachment to Her. It was a good session. My lunch time, she kept talking and I kept listening.

And then… finally, I looked into her eyes. They weren’t shallow… I looked deep into them. Yeah. There was certainly a hint of Pride. The Pride of having brought up Her children so well… Beneath all those wrinkles, I could see a faint glow. She’d worked. She misses working. But She’s extremely Proud of bringing up those children amidst all the social and financial issues. Yeah, I could see that.

Here I was, a girl, a mere 15 year old. Looking at Her grandma... And here she was, finally having someone to listen to Her.

My hands were unused. They never worked. And her’s were those which had worked day and night. Now it was time for them to rest, time for mine to work…

I was waiting, waiting for the journey of My life to start off… It was Dawn of Life for Me… And the Eve of Life for my Grandma…